The monster
by dark fortuna
Summary: A year has passed since the defeat of Ultimecia. Seifer is upset by his past and tries to kill himself. (Fourth chapter has now been completed)
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters (wish I did though...) they belong to the happy rich people at Square.

Prologue: Inside the Monster

_I hold your letter in my hands and think of times past, times when I was different, before I became the monster. I take two of the pills and wash them down with a glass of vodka. My body, my minds quivering with anxiety as I tear open the envelope, to be greeted by your words._

_You say, dear commander that you understand, that you know what happened to me last year. A young naive boy fill with dreams of grandeur lead astray by an evil sorceress, Squall, you know that wasn't me. You couldn't understand my life, though you were there nearly every step of the way. I was lead astray, corrupted by evil but my views on you never changed. You think that my corruption was the reason I tried to killed you? We both know the hatred that lies deep inside of us, we have both seen the dark side of the heart. But yours found salvation in a stolen angel, while mine continued to blacken and die. The angel was mine and the salvation was owed to me, but like so many things you took them from me, even though you didn't desire, didn't deserve them as I did. They say the righteous are rewarded and the wicked punished, I now know for certain that I am not the former but surely you are more wicked than I. I would never do to someone what you have done to me, you took it all, my life, my love, my dreams. Now you tell me that you know that I'm sorry, am I? Yes you're right I am sorry but not for what I did, rather what I didn't do, I'm sorry that I let you do this to me. I hope commander, that one day you realise that it was not I on the side of evil but you, and your ideals of righteousness make you more disillusioned than I ever was. You say that you want to help me? How do you intend such a feat, do you plan to relinquish everything that I dreamed for, that you so callously took? The idea of alleviating my suffering was no idea of yours, but I know whose it was._

_My raven angel, my Rinoa, you treated me so heartlessly, the hurt you have caused me is worse than that of a thousand cruel deaths. I never thought that one so young and innocent could be so vindictive. I remember when we first met. I, the young SeeD cadet, you the beautiful resistance leader come to Balamb to request SeeD to help for your faction. The morning sun glistening against your hair, you saw me standing alone and you smiled. Your angelic smile lowered my defences so you could steal my heart and deliver it to my enemy. I loved you from that first moment, loved you more than life itself. It seems from that day fate conspired this cruel destiny for me. My soul died the day you chose him, that day you killed me inside. I think of you always, when I eat, sleep, even in the music I listen to the words remind me of you. I close my eyes and I can still smell your hair, feel your soft cheek against my hand, I can still feel the warmth of your embraces even though they are long gone. What hurts me most is the idea that he makes you happier than I ever did. There is an emptiness growing inside me, consuming me, but I fear your help is too late. In this time so close to the end I think about all the people that I have wronged in my short existence._

_Quistis, the instructor, I made your life hell and for that I am sorry. Had it not been for me you would still be an instructor now. I did it because of him, everybody always noticed him, you were no exception. They all used to notice Squall even though he didn't give a damn, it may sound childish but I acted out because I wanted to be noticed, I wanted to exist. Everyone noticed him because he was different, so I tried to be different too. Ironic don't you think? All he wanted was to be left alone and he gained friends and the respect of everyone in Garden. I, on the other hand want to be noticed, to be loved, and I gained the hatred of the world._

_Zell, the chicken-wuss, I suppose, in a way, after the orphanage the only reason I continued to torment you was through jealously. You got the one thing I had always wanted, a loving family, someone to give a damn. Who knows maybe if things had been different, if I'd been adopted instead of you, I wouldn't be in this position right now. I don't blame you though, I know that everything that's happened up to now has all been my fault._

_Selphie, the messenger girl, I always resented you. Always perky and happy, everyone instantly liked you. Whereas nobody ever liked me, even the people close to me hate me in the end. Not a care in the world, never any regret. How I envy you._

_Irvine, the ladies man, the girls always wanted to be with you even matron liked you best, well I suppose matron liked you all more than me. You will probably never understand what it is like to be alone in the darkness that I am now becoming used to._

_Fujin and Rajin, my posse, you stuck by me for most of the difficult times but like everyone else even you eventually abandoned me. I can't blame you though, who would want to be around me anyway? I am selfish and arrogant, I should have listen to your advice but as always I believed that I knew best, how wrong I was._

_Matron, the mother I never had, I'm sorry if you are ashamed of me, of the way I turned out. I only hope that you can find solace in my attempt to make amends. I have done terrible things in my life, things that do not bare thinking about, the most terrible thing is that I do not feel remorse. I try to feel, try to force the tears but I am empty, there is no sorrow left inside me only an emotionless void. My love, my sadness, my soul are lost to the abyss that is ever growing inside me. Apologising now would be meaningless, I can only hope that by taking my life I will be able to rectify my some of my mistakes._

_Goodbye._

I place my letter on the hearth, for you to find it, for you to understand what I am about to do. I down a glass of vodka, I need courage for the task I am about to undertake, I take the pills too, all of them, just to make sure. The knife feels warm and inviting when I touch its handle, there is no turning back now as the jagged metal edge begins to tear, bite at my flesh. I drag it down my wrist, trying to keep with the vein, and then I start on the other. My visions beginning to blur, is it from the drugs or the alcohol? My hands are shaking so badly that the knife slips from my bloodied hands and falls.

_Falls._

_Falling forever, falling like me, into the darkness. _

Is this death? Am I dead? I feel so cold... so very cold. My mind drifts back to my childhood as my last seconds rush by. My first bike, my first day at garden... my first cold-hearted murder. It's better this way, I can't hurt anyone else with my false ideals. I embrace the cold as I fall further into the emptiness. Darkness consuming me, tearing me apart. My body numb, my vision blurred and my hearing muffled. So much so, that I didn't hear the door open, didn't hear you come in, shout my name. You're too late, too late to stop me now, this is the...this must be it... this is my end...  


Chapter 1

Rinoa walked, as she often did the nights that Squall was away. And Squall was away a bit too much for her liking, too many missions or important political meetings, he had almost become a ghost. At least she saw him when he was in Garden, she thought. After the defeat of Ultimecia she had been allowed to join Garden and train to become a SeeD. Although she was older than most of the students that were accepted to train to become SeeD, Headmaster Cid had made a special exception and she had, thus far, shown exceptional progress. She sighed and continued walking. After a couple of minutes she found herself outside the training centre, the secret area, she thought to herself, that's where I'll go. Rinoa entered the training centre and turned left towards the secret area. As she approached the secret area she could hear the voices of others who, like herself, were breaking curfew. Upon entering the secret area she was greeted by the welcome sight of Selphie.

"Selphie, hi." Rinoa smiled and waved at her friend.

"Hi, Rin." Selphie waved back. "Whatcha doing out this late?"

"I couldn't sleep... I'm missing Squall, I guess."

"Oh right Squalls away on that secret mission for matron." Selphie instantly regretted the words as they left her mouth. "What I mean is umm... it's no big deal."

"What secret mission?"

"Sorry Rin I'm not supposed to talk about it." Selphie visible shifted her weight from one leg to the other.

"Aww come on Selph please, I won't tell anyone you told me." Pleaded Rinoa with puppy eyes. Selphie grabbed her by the arm and lead her to the far side of the balcony.

"Ok, just don't tell anyone I told you this." Rinoa nodded. "Matron's sent Squall and Irvine to find Seifer and bring him back here."

"But why?"

"She says she's worried about not hearing from him after the letter we sent him, she thinks he might still be upset. I mean we did send it a month ago now, we should have heard from him by now." Rinoa looked pensively at the moon then to Selphie.

"Thanks Selph. I'm glad you told me."

"Are you ok? I mean it might be a bit weird having the guy that tried to kill you walking around Garden."

"Seifer I can cope with... it's just I needed to talk to Squall about something... but it can wait." She looked at Selphie, who was just about to speak. "How's the Garden Festival coming along?"

"We think it's going to be ready by next week, we just need to find one more band to play. You know I'll need help setting everything up and ...well... if you're not doing anything..."

"Sure I'll help out." Rinoa exaggerated a look at her watch. "Oh wow look at the time I should really go get some sleep, I got an early start tomorrow." She turned and started to leave. "See you, Selph." She called over her shoulder.

"Night Rin." Selphie called behind her.

Twenty minutes later Rinoa was back in her dorm, it was only a single but most nights she stayed with Squall either in his dorm or hers. Tonight it seemed so big and empty. She lay on her bed and looked out of the window. _Seifer_, where was he, what was he doing? She felt partly responsible for the way things had turned out. Seifer would never have even met Ultimecia if he hadn't gone to Timber to try and help her and the Owls. She hoped that Squall would find him quickly and return to her. Her gaze drifted to the moon, she smiled to herself remember how Squall had risked his life to save her from floating off into space. Rinoa turned off the light and looked at the moon one last time before she closed her eyes.

"Good night Squall, my knight." She whispered gently as she slipped into a deep sleep.

...

Squall ran into the small house as Seifer fell to the ground, he had kicked the door down as soon as he had seen what had happened. Seifers body lay in an ever-growing pool of blood.

"Seifer!" Seifer didn't respond, Squall kneeled over his still body and shook him, blood from the floor soaking into his black jeans. "Seifer! Oh shit." He turned to Irvine. "Get a medic in here." Irvine ran out of the house, Squall heard him shout for the medic, who entered a few seconds later and kneeled the other side of Seifer. He handed a bandage to Squall.

"Keep it on his wrist." Squall nodded and did what he was told, he swallowed as bile rose in his throat. "Are you ok Sir?" Squall nodded again, not taking his eyes off the near still form of Seifer. Squall would have thought him dead if it hadn't been for the slight rising and falling of his chest. The medic finished bandaging Seifer's left wrist the came round and did the wrist Squall was holding.

"Umm guys..." Squall turned to Irvine who was holding the empty bottle of pills and an envelope.

"We need to get him to the Ragnarok, help me lift him." Squall helped the medic carry Seifer to the ship.

"Irvine get us back to Garden." Ordered Squall as he sat down.

"Yes Sir." He replied as he sat at the controls.

"And contact Cid and make arrangements for our arrival, I don't want anyone to know that Seifer is with us." Squall looked at Irvine, who nodded. He turned to the medic when he heard vomiting. "How's he doing?" The medic shook his head.

"I really don't know sir. I've managed to stop the bleeding and he seems to bringing back the drugs and alcohol on his own... but I just don't know if we got there in time." Squall nodded and ran a hand through his hair. Damn it Seifer, what were you thinking? His hand absently travelled to his pocket where he felt Seifers letter. He shuddered if they weren't quick these could be the last words of a dead man that he had in his possession. Irvine had obviously seen the look of concern on his comrade's face, as he reached across to Squall and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"He'll be ok... he's a fighter, he'll make it." Squall wished he could believe Irvine's words. I should have found him sooner, if he dies...

...

Rinoa, who lay spread out across the small bed, was abruptly awoken by banging at her dorm door.

"Come on Rin open up!" Rinoa moaned then got out of bed and stumbled to the door, which she opened. Rinoa found both Selphie and Zell at her door.

"Zell, Selphie it's five a.m. What do you want?" There was an air of annoyance in her sleepy voice. It was Zell who spoke first.

"Sorry to wake you, but I was walking past Headmaster Cids room and I heard him on the radio with Irvine and he said that there's been an 'incident' on that mission him and Squall are on." Upon hearing this Rinoa was immediately wide awake.

"Has something happened to Squall?" She demanded.

"I dunno all he said was that they needed to go straight to the infirmary when they got here." Rinoa grabbed her dressing gown and pushed past her visitors. She started to run toward the infirmary. Zell and Selphie had to sprint to catch up with Rinoa.

"I'm sure that it's not Squall, Rin. I mean he never gets hurt, does he?" Selphie reassured her friend. Rinoa kept quiet and continued in her march to the infirmary. When they arrived at the infirmary they found Irvine and Headmaster Cid at the entrance.

"Rinoa, Zell, Selphie it's nice to see you." Greeted Cid.

"Where is he?" Demanded Rinoa. "Where's Squall?" Cid chuckled and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Squall's just fine, he's..." The infirmary door opened and Squall stepped into the corridor. Rinoa eyed him up and down, inspecting him for any injuries, apart from looking slightly paler than usual she decided that he was fine and threw herself into his open arms. She rested her head against his chest and tightly shut her eyes _thank Hyne you're ok_.

"You had me worried." She whispered softly. Squall held her in his arms and kissed the top of her head.

"I'm sorry. Something happened Rin, it was horrible... it was..." She lifted her head and looked into his eyes, he was upset.

"What happened?" Squall pulled away and turned his back to her.

"Seifer, he... he tried to kill himself... there was so much blood... so much..."

"Oh Squall are you ok?" Rinoa place a hand on his shoulder, which he brushed away.

"I'm sorry Rin I just, I need to be alone...I... I'm sorry." With that he walked away from Rinoa, without turning back, without seeing the tears forming around her eyes.

...

Squall walked away from Rinoa, feeling ashamed of his actions. He placed a hand on his pocket, the letter, Seifer's letter was still there. Squall hadn't yet had the courage to read it, he still didn't. He just walked, his eyes to the ground, his legs moving of their own accord.

"Squall?" He instantly recognised the voice from behind him.

"Hello Ellone." He turned to face the girl he had known as Sis for all of his life.

"What's the matter Squall?" She asked touching his cheek.

"You haven't heard?" She looked at him blankly, _of course she hasn't it's top secret_ he thought. "It's Seifer, he tried to commit suicide." Ellone put her hand over her mouth and gasped.

"But why would he do a thing like that?" Squall removed the letter from his pocket and handed it to her.

"I don't know but we found this. I didn't want to open it."

"In case he blames you?" She offered.

"I don't know, I just couldn't, it just wouldn't be right... you read it." Squall could see Ellones hands shaking slightly as she ripped open the envelope. She looked and the scrawled script on the page briefly then began to read it out loud.

Ellone finished reading and looked up from the letter to see Squall in a state of shock and distress staring at the floor.

"Squall... are you ok?"

"I never knew... I never knew he... he felt that way about me. Sure we had our differences but he was one of us... he... he... " His eyes not moving from the ground. Ellone put her arm round him.

"You look tired, come on let's get you back to your dorm. We can sort all this out when you've had a rest." Squall complied and began to walk towards his dormitory, whilst under the loving escort of Ellone. She left him at his dormitory and began to walk towards the infirmary. _Oh Seifer what have you done? _

...

He was falling, falling into a bottomless black nothingness. There was no sound, no feeling, no anything in this dark place he tried to scream but no noise can from his lips. _Is this hell? Wait what was that?_ A voice, faint and indistinct but defiantly a voice. It got louder as Seifer fell, louder and louder, so loud that Seifer covered his ears and tried to scream.

His eye flickered open as he sat up and began to scream. The bright lights in the room made it impossible for him to make out his surroundings, he was surrounded with blurs that he could just make out as faces.

"Seifer? Seifer are you ok?" That voice... he knew it but he couldn't quite place a name, a face to the voice.

"Too bright." He managed to mumble, shielding his eyes. Seifer heard someone walk to the window and shut the blinds. He slowly uncovered his eyes. Quistis, Ellone, Edea and Dr Kadowaki loomed over him. He gave each face a fleeting look and laid back, sighing he turned his face to the pillow.

"Seifer?" Edea, Matron, the woman he had thought of as his mother, the one who he had failed the most. He shook his head against the pillow. _Why? Why couldn't they just let me die? Why must they torture me?_

"Why?" He mumbled into the pillow. "Why did you stop me?" Seifer turned his face from the pillow and glared fiercely around the room. "Why won't you let me die!" He shouted furiously. Seifer climbed out of his bed, stood up and began to walk towards the door. Three steps away from the bed Seifer was overcome by a wave of nausea and fell to his knees. "Damn it..."

"Seifer are you ok?" Ellone, Sis, the girl who had treat him like a brother, the one who he had hunted down like a wild animal, the one he had killed so many people to find. She knelt beside him and tried to help him to his feet, Seifer pushed her away violently.

"Stay away from me." Ellone recoiled as Seifer snarled at her.

"We just want to help you Seifer..." Quistis, the instructor, another one of those sad deluded fools who saw Loenhart for something he wasn't.

"I don't need your help... or your sympathy. Just leave me to die in peace." He dragged himself along the floor and lent against the wall.

"Seifer please..."

"Leave him Ellone, if he doesn't want our help we can't force him. So Seifer you're free to go..." Seifer looked up at doctor Kadawaki and tried again to stand. "Well come on, I can't have you blocking up the floor of my infirmary can I?" Seifer was still struggling to stand. "Well as you're obviously in no fit state to leave you _will_ get back into that bed and you _will_ get some rest and if you still feel the same way tomorrow then you can go kill yourself." Seifer gave Kadawaki a cold stare before lowering his head in submission. The four women each helped to pick Seifer off the ground and put him back in the bed.

"There, you've got your way so just fuck off." He turned away and curled up into the foetal position covering his head with the covers. Quistis stood up sighing and began to walk towards the door.

"Seifer why have you always got to be like this when people are trying to help you?"

"Fuck off." Came the muffled response. Quistis continued walking out of the room without looking back.

"You know what Seifer you are the most arrogant, stupid person I have ever had the misfortune of treating." Dr Kadowaki sighed. "I..." Suddenly the sound of shouting could be heard in the hallway, the door opened and in ran Nida carrying a bleeding girl in his arms.

"Dr there's been an accident... she's been stabbed." Nida panted placing the girl on a bed. The doctor rushed to the girls side and started assessing the wound.

"How did this happen?" She asked grabbing bandages from a cupboard.

"A gunblade training accident. We managed to slow the bleeding with a potion... but it wouldn't stop."

"I'll need to stitch this wound to stop the bleeding."

Seifer covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut.

...

Authors note: This is my first fanfic and I hope if anyone read this that they don't think that it's poo. I will hopefully have the next chapter soon... that is if anyone likes this one.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Hey somebody stole final fantasy from me ... honest... nope didn't think you'd believe me. That's right I don't own the characters etc etc.

Chapter 2

_It's so dark, so cold. I begin to walk through the darkness. Wait there's a light. I start towards it. I'm now standing in the quad, if it can be called that anymore. The floor stained with ash and blood, rotting decomposing corpses strewn about the ground. I walk towards the stage that is now in half collapsed and rusted, it shouldn't be like this. How this could have happened, after all they won didn't they? Looking at my bare blood covered feet I notice something under the stage. After kneeling down I realise, the taste of vomit rising in my throat, its children, small charred remains of children. My hand instinctively goes to my mouth but it's too late, I double over and heave. How could this be? Why? Why were there dead children under the stage? Had they been hiding, trying to shelter themselves from what happen here? I try to stand only to find myself back on my knees heaving again. After emptying my guts, I stand on shaky legs and walk closer the stage. I remember giving a speech once on this stage, when I was on the disciplinary committee, to new students. I choke back a bitter laugh. How ironic that their lives at garden began and ended here. Lightening streaks the sky and lights up their small unidentifiable faces. No this isn't right, I begin to back away, the faces... they're grinning at me. It must just be the light, another bolt danced across the sky, no not the light... they really are grinning, beckoning to me. I stagger backwards and trip over, did that one just, now don't be stupid, it did it moved._

_"Come on get a grip." I say shaking my head. They can't move, they're dead, right? The boom of thunder fills the night air. It gets louder and louder till I have to cover my ears. A bright flash of lightening illuminates their grinning faces. They are starting to crawl out from under the stage I realise in panic. Coming towards me, their small blood stained hands reaching for me, trying to grab me. I shuffle backwards, the thunder now so loud that I can't hear my own scream, that I cannot hear the sound of the children approaching me, giggling, taunting me. I shuffle back until I feel wall, trapped, I shut my eyes and let out another inaudible scream. My legs kick wildly as I feel small hands touching, pulling at me, trying to take me back with them to spend eternity entombed beneath the crumbling stage to rot as one of their own. Their laughter getting louder until it drowns out even the thunder, always pulling at me, my nails scratch along the floor desperately clawing to find something to hold on to. They've nearly got me..._

Seifer sat up in the infirmary bed screaming in shear terror, his eyes darting wildly around the room trying to place himself. Memories of the previous night came flooding back, he laid back panting. Just a dream, the dream. The same dream that had woken him in the same way every night of the last year. The door opened and in ran the doctor.

"What happened I heard screaming?" she asked walking to the side of Seifers bed.

"Nothing... just a dream." Seifer mumbled to himself.

"Nightmare eh?" She chuckled. Seifer glared at her.

"Yes. What's so fucking funny about it?"

"You're the last person I would expect to admit to having nightmares." Seifer and the doctor turned to face Quistis, who neither had heard enter. The doctor chuckled and made for the door.

"He's all yours. I'll be in my room if you need me." Quistis nodded as she left.

"So the great and powerful Seifer Almasy had a nightmare..."

"Fuck you Trepe. I don't need this shit from you, just leave me alone." He rolled over and put his head on the pillow.

"I'm not going anywhere." She said in defiance. "You have pushed me around for far too long, I lost my instructors licence because of you." He turned back to face her sitting up in the process.

"So what? You're here to laugh at me, to try to vindicate all that's happened to you? You want somebody to blame then fine, whatever."

"You sound just like Squall..." She giggled. Seifer growled, clenched his hand into a fist and hit the cabinet at the side of his bed. "What are you doing?!" He continued hitting, the thud of flesh against wood filled the room. Tears streaming down his contorted face. "Seifer... Seifer stop it you're hurting yourself." She ran to his side and shook him violently. Thud, thud, thud. "Seifer dammit stop!" Quistis climbed onto his bed grabbing his arms, blood from his split and swelling hand running onto her own. She continued shaking him. "Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!" she screamed. Seifer stopped struggling and silence filled the room, looking at her face though blurry eyes, he realised that she too was crying.

"...I'm sorry." He whispered over the sound of Quistis' sobbing. The sobbing subsided and she stared down, into his blood shot eyes.

"What?" she asked in no more than a hoarse whisper.

"I... I said sorry."

"But you... you don't apologise... Seifer you've never said sorry to anyone, to me, before." Wiping tears from her cheeks.

"..." His hand throbbed in Quistis' tight grip.

"Why?" Still sobbing slightly she tried to regain her former composure, realising that she still had hold of his arm she slowly released it. She stood up smoothing creases out of her clothes. "Why are you here?" She asked picking up a bandage from the cabinet that Seifer had put a considerable crack in.

"I didn't want to..." he stopped in shock as Quistis gently took hold of his hand and began to bandage it. "What are you doing?"

"It'll get infected it you leave it." She stared into his eyes but the weren't the eyes of the boy she remember, no they were the eyes of a broken man. Quistis dropped her gaze back to his hand when she realised that she was staring.

"Why are you helping me? I tried to kill you... I... nearly killed everyone." Quistis looked into his tear stained blue-green eyes and sighed.

"... I... I don't blame you for that. I know that it wasn't your fault, matron told us about Ultimecia" He winced at the sound of her name "controlling you. I... I know that you..."

"Stop... just stop. I don't want to hear it." Seifer pulled his now bandaged hand from her grasp. "Go."

"But... I want to..."

"I don't deserve your help." Quistis opened her mouth to speak then closed it again, he had said all he was going to say. With that she left the infirmary without saying another word.

Quistis sighed, that hadn't been what she was expecting, she was hoping to find him unchanged by the last year. She wanted to be able to justify the hatred that she had for him, for the friends that she had lost, the trauma and pain that she had endured thinking that it had all some how been her fault. But seeing him in there, crying, a broken man, made her feel worse for hating him. Quistis pushed her hair out of her eyes and began to walk towards her dormitory.

"Quistis are you alright?" Came a voice from in front of her, Zell standing with his arms crossed walked towards her. Realising that she must look a state from crying Quistis blushed slightly.

"Yeah, I've just been to see Seifer." Zell clenched his fists at the name.

"Why what's he done to you? If he's upset you..."

"No, it's not like that. Zell, he's changed." She placed a hand caringly on his shoulder. "He even apologised to me..."

"No way." Zell turned after hearing footsteps behind him. "Oh, hi Sis."

"Hello what are you two talking about at this time of the morning?" Quistis looked at her watch 6 am, Ellone was right, it was early. She looked up realising that both Zell and Ellone were looking at her blood-splattered hands. Quistis lowered her hand and placed it behind her back.

"Is that blood?" demanded Zell grabbing her arms from behind her back. "Did he do this to you?" Quistis snatched her arms away from him.

"No Zell. This... this is Seifers blood, not mine." Zell gave here a confused look and backed away.

"What has he done to himself now?" Asked Ellone, a hint of sadness in her voice.

"It was me really... I said something about Squall it must have upset him. He started hitting the cupboard until his hands was bleeding. It was scary... he really wanted to hurt himself. I don't what it was... he just went crazy."

"I think that maybe Squall should go talk to him and try to sort this out once and for all." Said Ellone firmly, Zell and Quistis both nodded in agreement. "I'll have a word with him when he wakes up. And I think you two should think about getting some rest too."

"Yeah I need a shower and a lie down after that training session." Answered Zell as he began to saunter away. Ellone looked at Quistis and smiled.

"He'll be alright." With that she turned and started towards the library leaving Quistis standing alone.

"I can't." He answered closing the door to his dormitory.

"But Squall..." She followed him as he started towards the cafeteria. "He needs you."

"Seifer has never needed anyone." Squall stated matter-of-factly. "I... can't see him sis... not yet." He turned into the cafeteria and joined the queue for breakfast. As usual Zell was at the front ordering his daily fix of hotdogs.

"Why not? Why did you even bother saving him if you refuse to help him?" Ellone demanded. Anger momentarily flickered across Squalls usually passive face, he sighed.

"I can't talk to him, it would only make things worse. You read the letter, he blames me. What do you say to that? Sorry I ruined your life?"

"You say that like you believe it." Squall stepped forwards to the counter, he looked at the vender then turned to Ellone.

"I don't know what I believe anymore." With that he turned and paced out of the cafeteria. Ellone sighed _this is not going to be easy_ she thought to herself and proceeded to purchase two slices of toast. She looked across the cafeteria and did not like what she saw, children laughing among themselves as if this were any normal school, not seeming to care that any day could come their orders to death or glory. She shook her head, she might not like this life but it was the life he, they all, had chosen to live. Realising that she had been stood thinking for quite a while, she blushed and began to scan the crowd for familiar faces. Ellone laughed to herself as her gaze fell upon Selphie and Irvine, they were hardly inconspicuous amidst the sea of uniforms. Selphie beamed as Ellone sat besides her and Irvine tipped his ever-present Stetson to her.

"Hey Ell. Was that Squall you were just with?" inquired Irvine, Ellone replied with a slight nod. "How is he? I haven't seen him since the other day."

"Yeah he was quite upset when me and Zell saw him." Piped Selphie between mouthfuls of cornflakes.

"He's not taking it very well, you see, Seifer had left a note..." she trailed off allowing Irvine to speak.

"Right, I found it on the mantelpiece." She nodded and continued.

"Well, basically, he blames Squall for a lot of the bad things that have happened to him." Irvine shook his head while Selphie stopped eating, Ellone feebly smiled at the pair.

"Hey guys, what's up?" They all turned to find Zell and Rinoa walking towards their table.

"Hi Zell, hi Rin." Greeted Ellone as Rinoa sat besides her, Zell took an unoccupied seat on the opposite side of the table. Rinoa looked around at her friends' sullen faces.

"What's up with you guys?"

"It's Squall..." Panic flashed across Rinoa's face as Ellone mentioned her boyfriends name.

"Why what's wrong with Squall? I... I haven't seen him since he brought Seifer back... is he ok?"

"We're not sure... Seifer left a note when he tried to" Ellone paused to swallow "kill himself, some of the things he wrote were about Squall. Squall was quite upset by it. I think he needs to go talk to Seifer but he won't."

"Good!" Everyone stared intensly at Rinoa. "If Seifer has upset Squall then he shouldn't talk to him."

"But Rinoa... if they don't talk we won't be able to help Seifer." Rinoa glared at Ellone as she stood up.

"So Squalls feelings don't come into this at all?" With that she turned on her heels and stormed out of the cafeteria.

The door to the infirmary opened and Quistis was greeted by the doctor.

"Quistis I'm glad you're here. I didn't know what to do so I phoned you."

"Why what's wrong? Is it Seifer? Has something happened?" She asked walking to the small side room which Seifer had inhabited sinces his arrival two nights ago.

"He's decided that he wants to leave." Quistis stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face the older woman.

"What? He can't leave, you can't let him leave."

"I can't stop him Quistis." Quistis continued into the small room to find Seifer pulling his coat on.

"What do you think you're doing?" She demanded, seizing the hand she had bandaged the previous night. He began to lift his head to look her in the eyes then stopped and lowered his gaze back to the floor as he made for the door. Quistis still holding his hand pulled him back. "Answer me, dammit." To his surprised he did not have the strength to pull his hand away from the clutches of his ex-instructor, defeat flashed across his face and he sighed. "Seifer... please." His eyes closed and he dropped to the floor, his back against the wall, Quistis crouched besides him.

"Why?" He asked in no more than a whisper, holding his face in his hands.

"I want to help..." He shook his head, his face still embedded in his hands.

"I told you, I don't deserve your help." Seifer hoarse mumbled though his hands. "I... just want to die." Quistis noticed his breathing deepen, she realised that, again, he was crying. "Why can't... you..." Sobbing so much he was unable to finish speaking. Quistis began to reach towards his hand, hesitating, she noticed blood oozing from between his hands. She gently touched his hands and pulled them away from his face, holding them in her own for the briefest of moments. Blood from his nose was smeared around his lips and chin, tears ran down his face into the puddle that was forming on his lap. Quistis went to dry his tears with her hand, Seifer pushed her away violently and stood up. Seifer loomed over a shocked Quistis. He regained his composure, wiping his face with his sleeve he glared at her. He turned again towards the door.

"Coward." Quistis muttered audibly, Seifer froze then turned wildly and moved towards her. Kneeling over her he grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her angily.

"What did you call me?!" He shouted demandingly. Quistis choked back tears, she was not about to show him that she was scared.

"I called you a coward Seifer, a coward." He shook her again, this time banging her head against the base of the bed. She yelped in pain, realisation flashed across his face and he released her shoulders and fell back to his previous position against the wall. Quistis took this moment to back away from him until she was sitting against the opposite wall, her hand went to the back of her head. Blood, he had made her bleed. She looked across at the shaking figure of Seifer Almasy, who returned the stare. Quistis realised that this was not the Seifer that she had been talking to last night. This was the monster.

"Coward? You have the nerve to call me a coward? You could never understand the pain that I've been through. Having my hopes and dreams twisted and used against me, my memories betrayed. To have you all want him." He began to raise his voice in anger. "So what? Now I'm supposed to believe that you want to help me? Help me?! You tried to kill me for fucks sake. Is it to make you feel better about yourselves? I will not be used again, not by you, not by anybody!" A solitary tear rolled down his now dried cheek.

"I never knew monsters could cry." She said dryly.

"I made peace with what I am a long time ago." He slowly stood again, before he knew it Quistis had positioned herself between him and the door.

"You could change." He laughed bitterly at the suggestion.

"Change? Who would let me? All those people in this garden, that would kill me if they knew that I was here? And what pray tell would you have me change to?" Before either of them knew what was happening he had hold of her again. "You want me to be like him, don't you? That's all any of you want with me. You want me to be like that... that bastard! I knew it. Just get out of my way."

"No."

"Get out of the way Quistis." This time more of a plead than demand.

"No." Shaking her head.

"... please."

"I can't let you leave Seifer, you'll have to kill me." She looked into his deep blood-shot blue-green eyes. He felt her eyes burning into him but was unable to break the stare.

"Quistis... I can't stay here... just let me go." Still staring.

"I will not let you go kill yourself Seifer." He broke the stare and turned away from her.

"Its my choice, not yours."

"Your mistake you mean." Seifer walked towards a small window in the far side of the room. _Surely he can't think he'll fit though that_ Quistis thought to herself. Before she could stop him Seifer had smashed to window with his fist and had taken hold of a long shard of glass. He began to unravel to bandages that tightly surrounded both of his wrists.

Authors note: Ok that's the rest of chapter 2. Thanks again to anyone who's reviewed... you've given me a creative use for my insomnia :) I hope anyone reading this is enjoying and also I apologise to anyone who's finding it difficult to work out the time that's passed... I might re-write bits of the first 2 chapter so it makes a bit more sense... hopefully I'll have the next chapter or at least half of it done by this time next week... well thank you for reading and please don't forget to inflate my otherwise sizable ego by leaving a review... good or bad... it makes me feel popular :)


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Who would've guessed that I didn't own the characters…

Squall looked up from his desk as he heard a knock at the door. Ever since the Ultimecia incident Cid had had Squall up in his office dealing with paper work under the false claim that he was training Squall to become headmaster. In actuality the reason had been that people felt that Squall had been through enough and pushing any further could irreparably damage him. Deep inside Squall knew this was the case, after the time-compression incident he had been sent to a counsellor, who had claimed that Squall Leonhart was mentally unstable and unfit for active service. This revelation had been quite a blow to Squall and had made him often distant and irritable. So now he would be sent away on political missions or to help train the younger cadets.

"What?" He called to the knocking door. After the briefest of silenced the door slowly opened to reveal Rinoa, she flashed him a caring smile and then sat down on the other side of his desk.

"Hey, I just wanted to see how you were."

"Fine. Why wouldn't I be?" His voice was cold and empty, making her shudder.

"Well I was speaking to Ell and…" Before she had finished speaking, Squall moved from his seat to stand at the window.

"The answers no." He said, not turning back to face her.

"No?" Rinoa, who had become accustom to his mood swings over the last year, began to slowly walk toward him. "No to what?" she asked, gently placing her hand on his shoulder

"I'm not going to see Seifer. I've told Ellone and now I'm telling you." He answered pulling away from her and walking to the door. "I can't…" And with that he ran out of the room. After a moment Rinoa turned from the door to look out of the window.

"Why do you always run from me?" She muttered to herself, she was beginning to wonder whether Seifer really was the crazy one.

…

The bandages fell and landed in a crumpled pile around Seifers feet.

"Mistake? This is the only half decent thing I've ever done." He looked down at the stitches running down each of his wrists.

"How can you say that? Killing yourself won't make any of what you've done go away. People will still have to live with the consequences of your actions. This is not a way of making amends Seifer. You're just running like a scared child." Quistis stepped towards him, with her arm out stretched. "Just give it to me Seifer, I know you don't want to do this."

"I want this more than I've wanted anything in my entire life. Don't you get it? I break things, hurt people. I've lost everything that I ever cared about." He stepped away from her, gripping the shard so tight that his knuckles were white and his palms were bleeding. "Why won't you just let me die in peace?"

"I don't want you to die Seifer." She took another step forward.

"Why should I have to live in a world where I have nothing?" Seifer asked Quistis, who was staring at him in horror. "Why should I go on living just to be hated by everyone?" Quistis moved toward him again, noticing this Seifer pointed the shard at her. "Don't come any closer Quistis, I don't want to hurt you." Quistis stopped about a meter away from him.

"Then why are you doing this?"

"How else can I gain redemption for my crimes? There's too much blood on my hands. People that I didn't even know I condemned to death without a second thought… children, Quistis. I killed children."

"You did not kill them Seifer, Ultimecia…" Seifer lunged towards her knocking her to the ground.

"Don't say her name!" He yelled in anguish at the top of his voice. Pressing the shard of glass to her throat. "Don't ever say her name." Quistis became still under his weight, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Please don't hurt me." She whispered, on hearing these words Seifer came to his senses and realised what he was doing, as if shocked by his actions, he jumped up and moved to the corner of the room, facing the wall.

"I can't go on living in a world where I have nothing to offer but pain and suffering." He all but whispered. Quistis lay, perfectly still on the floor, her eyes still shut. "I'm empty, used up, there's nothing good left in me. All I want is to die, to not feel this pain anymore…" Quistis cautiously began to stand, her eyes fixated on Seifers back.

…

He walked, all the time staring down at his feet, thinking about that day. The day he had all but died, lost and alone in the emptiness of time. Why should he want to see the person responsible for that? _Why did I even bother to save him? _He thought to himself. Looking up Squall realised that he was now standing outside the infirmary, was it fate or perhaps even destiny that he was supposed to go through those doors to face his nemesis, he did not know. Sighing he leaned back against a wall, _what am I supposed to do, what could I possibly say to him, what would he say back? _These questions plagued the, once commanders mind. He stood in silent contemplation, until a scream irrupted from inside the infirmary. Reaching down to his belt, he cursed, he had not worn his gunblade in two month, yet it's ghost, as it were, still lingered by his side. Shaking his head, he cautiously made his way in to the infirmary.

…

_I stand facing the wall with my back to you, my hands shaking. The pain growing inside me with every passing second filling me with hatred and anger, filling me with all the feelings that I wanted to be rid of. I knew that the only way that I could accomplish this was through my own demise, I knew that if I kept on breathing more people would suffer, more people would die. She kept saying that I could change, how wrong she was but still, I never wanted to hurt her, I never wanted to hurt anyone. All I wanted was for somebody to care, someone to give a damn whether I lived or died. But all anyone else wanted was him, it was always him, no matter what I did. When I was mean, he would protect you, when I was nice, he was nicer, damn it when I was sad he had to be sadder. I can't do anything right for you can I? Or is it because he rebuffed you, is that why you come to me? Or is it some twisted little game you're playing, making me dance to your every whim like a marionette? Why do you now claim that you care, what's different? I'm the same person I've always been and you've never cared before. I'm sorry if I'm hurting you but you have hurt me so much more, you have cut me deeper. I don't want to go on, not like this._

_The shard moves towards my wrist once more and begins to dig, scratch, rip out the stitches. I star in awe as my life blood slowly begins to trickle away from me, inside, I feel somewhat happier to know that I a short time I will be leaving this mortal coil and world of pain. Starting on the second wrist, I feel your hand touch my shoulder. Turning to see your face stained with tears._

_"Don't waste your tears on me." I said to you, you shook your head and reached towards the shard._

_I never wanted to hurt you._

_I tried to pull my arm away from you._

_I tried to escape, but you kept coming back and trying again. _

_Y__ou wouldn't leave me alone._

_I didn't mean it, didn't want it to happen, it was you._

_If you'd have left me to do it then…_

_…you wouldn't be on the floor with a shard of glass piercing your chest._

Authors note: I'm so sorry this took so long and I'm very sorry that it's so short, I might add more to this chapter at a later date can't decide whether it's long enough to say all that needs to be said or not. Thanks for reading and extra thanks to kimahrigirl for giving me the kick up the ass I needed to get writing again. Please don't forget to review, even if it is just to tell me I'm crap.

Oh and by the way THIS ISN'T THE END SO DON'T STOP READING!


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I'm ALIVE!… but I still don't own the characters.

They say that blood is thicker than water, well what do they know anyway? Quistis' blood didn't seem any thicker than water as it soaked through her clothes and began to form a puddle on the floor around her deathly still body. Seifer stepped back, looking down at his hands, his bloody hands. He had done it again, killed yet another innocent.

"No… no" He muttered to himself, shaking his head, so caught up in his own thoughts that he did not hear the door open. Squall ran into the room, then as he saw Quistis' still form stopped dead in his tracks, blood, there was so much blood.

"Why?" He asked in little more than a whisper, without even looking away from the body on the floor. "Why did you do this?" Squalls voice was shaking as was the rest of him.

"I didn't mean to… I didn't" Seifers voice came out in monotone, his head still shaking as if he were a child trying to get out of punishment.

"It's always the same with you…" Squalls response visibly startled Seifer, his head snapped up and his eyes moved to Squall, who was still staring at Quistis. "You never mean to do anything but it still happens." The anger was building up in Squalls voice. "Everything you've ever done in your life…"

"You're wrong… I…"

"You what?" His eyes suddenly moved from the body on the floor to Seifers own eyes, engaging him with a cold stare.

"I never wanted to hurt her… never her…" His voice sounded distant, tired.

"Then why?"

"_Why Seifer? Why don't you like the other children?"_ He shook his head as voices from the past resurfaced in his mind. _"You can tell me."_

"Because they hate me…" Seifer whispered closing his eyes to stop the tears that were forming in the corners of his eyes.

"…what?" A sudden look of confusion fell across Squalls face, had Seifers comment been in response to his question?

"How does it feel?" Seifers eyes snapped open, an evil glare shooting across the room towards Squall, the monster had resurfaced.

"How does what feel?" The young commander asked, his voice rising, fists balling at his sides.

"To have become everything you hate." He moved swiftly towards Squall until they were stood face-to-face, noses almost touching. "Everything you loathe. How does it feel to have to rely on people, Squall?" Anger flashed across Squalls face, within a second he had Seifer by the collar, nothing else existed only Squall and Seifer.

"Why? Tell me why damn you! Why did you kill her you bastard." A mixed look of shock and hatred washed over Squalls face as Seifer began to, manically, laugh.

"Why did you steal Rinoa?" His question met by silence. "Doesn't feel nice does it, to be on the receiving end. You took something from me, so I've taken something from you."

"You bastard… it should be you… you should be dead not her, damn you!"

…

"…then why won't you let me die!" A scream erupted from Seifers mouth as he sat up in the bed, only to find himself restrained. His eye's darted around the empty, dark infirmary. Where had Squall gone? "What the hell?" He muttered tugging against the restraints that bound him to the bed.

Mere seconds later light poured into the room from an opening door, then a brief click later halogen lights flickered on, illuminating the infirmary.

"So you're awake then. How are you feeling?" The doctor spoke making her way towards him.

"Where is she? Where's Quistis?" His eye darted round the room, scanning, searching for any trace of where the body had been. It was safe to say the blond was shaken, almost scared, but nothing could have prepared him for the answer he received.

"She's in her room resting, why?" His eyes opened wide, in shock. _But she's dead, I killed her._ "Seifer, what's wrong you're shaking?"

"What happened? You have to tell me what happened." He demanded trying to sit up but finding himself unable due to the restraints.

"What happened before?" He nodded. "You tried to kill yourself, again, Seifer. Squall and I had to sedate you." _What? That's not what I remember_. Seifer brought a shaking hand to his head, _what the fuck's going on?_

"Quistis, what happened to Quistis?" His mind still rife with images of her body on the floor, surrounded in her own blood.

"Quistis, screamed and Squall and myself came to see if she was ok, the we sedated you." He shook his head, why didn't he remember any of it?

"But she's dead… I…" A laugh filled the room, a laugh? _We're talking about someone's life here and all she can do is laugh?_

"Seifer, Quistis is fine, a little shaken but fine, she's not dead."

…

"_Seifer, give it to me." I replayed it over and over in my mind, every detail was given the utmost attention, even the way her hair looked, down to the number of tears streaking her face. Her hand placed on my shoulder. I pulled away, moved back towards the wall._

"_I can't, I have to do this, Quistis." Her hand tried to reach me, to block me from my goal. I remember swiping her hand away from me and the hurt look on her face when I did so. The blood was dripping down my wrists, then along my hands where it finally came to my fingertips before it plummeted to the cold floor below. _

"_Please, Seifer, let me help you." More tears, her normal creamy white complexion become redder and blotchier with ever tear, herr normally bright eyes now dulled and bloodshot._

"_The only way you can help me is to let me go." I had began to feel dizzy at this point, almost euphoric as my life ebbed away from me. I closed my eyes, wanting to embrace the death that was slowly coming over me, consuming my very being. My eye's flicked open for one last glance of her as you let out a sob. "Don't waste your tears on me." She shook her head at me, her eyes staring into mine talking to me, speaking to my soul, they said 'I care'. It was too late, I was too far-gone, and my soul was to tarnished to feel anything. The dizziness was overwhelming, that's when Quistis did it, leaping towards me, grasping my arm in a vice like grip. I struggled to pull my arm away from her but to no avail, so my arms sought to push her away, the shard somehow coming between my hands and her chest, a scream, her scream filled the room as Quistis fell. A few brief seconds she gurgled blood, wheezing for breath through blood filled lungs, then as Squall entered, she fell silent._

_That was how I remembered it, to my recollection Squall didn't enter until Quistis was dead and the doctor didn't come into the infirmary at all. Then why? Why was the doctor now telling me that it didn't happen that way? Was she toying with me? Trying to teach me a lesson?_

…

"Seifer? Seifer." Seifers eyes fluttered and looked towards the doctor. "What's wrong?"

"Get her. Get Quistis, now." Doctor Kadowaki stepped back, almost in surprise as the look of shock previously worn on Seifers face became a cool and reserved expression, his eyes almost glazed over, where they had been wide, almost scared. Without another word she turned and left the infirmary.

The time alone gave Seifer time to ponder over a few things, his present situation was a predominate thought in his mind, what if it had all been a mistake, if the doctor was wrong and Quistis was dead. Leonhart, he must have done this, he must have set all of this up to mess with Seifers mind. _Wouldn't put it past him, the bastard_, he thought coldly. Of course, the possibility that he, himself, was wrong never entered his mind.

The seconds alone, became minutes, then after a ten minute wait the door slid open. The figure of the doctor loomed in the doorway for a brief second, then entered the room followed by another, a tall, slender figure. Seifer, shook his head, it couldn't be.

"Quistis?" His voice shaky, _this can't be happening, this can't be happening_, he repeated over and over in his mind.

"I'll leave you two to talk." The doctor said casually as she made her exit.

"This isn't happening." Seifer whispered shaking his head. This wasn't right. How could she be here, he had seen her die the previous night, hadn't he.

"Seifer? Are you alright? You've gone pale…" She stated making her way to the chair besides his bed. Seifer tried to shift away from the woman as she approached but could only move so far before the restraints began to pull.

"Stay away!" He cried, writhing against his bindings, trying in vain to gain his freedom.

"Seifer?" She towered over the blond, a hand slowly moving to his cheek. He struggled again, attempting to squirm away from her touch in vain.

"You were dead… I saw you, you were dead!" Quistis pulled back the hand, placing it on the cold metal side rail of the bed.

"What are you talking about?" A look of confusion took over her features.

"I… I killed you." _What the hell is going on?_ He thought as he saw the confusion on her face.

"Is that what you dreamt about?" Her expression softened as she gazed down at him.

"No… I… I don't know anymore, you were dead… it wasn't a dream." _Was it?_ He stopped struggling and let his head fall back onto the soft pillow, his gaze burning into the sterile white ceiling above.

"Seifer, I don't understand." _You wouldn't, would you? You never understood me at all did you, you never even care to try._

"Just go Quistis." A shiver ran down her back at the sound of the cold tone in his voice.

"What?" Shaking her head slightly, as if she hadn't heard his order.

"Just leave me alone."

"What the hell, Seifer! You can't just drag me here and then send me away." Her fists balled at her sides in anger.

"And just what the fuck do you want me to do?" His voice rose to a shout. "I can't kill myself, I can't send you away, so just what the fuck can I do, Trepe?" Seifer's eyes never moved from the ceiling as he spoke.

"You could stop being such a bastard and let the people who care about you help!" Quistis replied raising her voice to the same level as Seifer's. Once she had finished her hand rose to her mouth, had she just said that? Was she going to leave it at that, apparently not. "Maybe if you spent less time thinking about yourself…" As it conspired, Seifer didn't want to listen to anything else.

"What and started thinking more about others? Is that what you were going to say? I've spent my life thinking about others, thinking about why no one ever gave a damn. Don't try that caring bullshit on me Trepe, I'm not that bastard Leonhart, it won't work on me. You've never care, never bothered to notice me no matter what I did and now that I try to do the only decent thing I could with my life, you stop me. So you know what? Fuck you." His eyes shifted from the ceiling and moved towards Quistis, if looks could kill…

Nothing, silence, no witty comeback, no screaming match, just pure silence. Seifer continued to glare for a few seconds before returning his eye back to the ceiling. The sound of the door opening, then closing was the only way he knew he was alone once more.

* * *

Authors Note: All I can say is sorry this took so long, I had major writers block. I hope you like the strange plot twists… hopefully they'll get explained next chapter.

SORRY!


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